To be painfully honest, we are still struggling financially (who isn't, it seems nowadays). We have good times and not so good times. We (my dh and I) are struggling with really living out what we believe in this area. It's pretty complicated (and a fairly private issue) but I'll share a bit here just to air out my thoughts mostly.
I have been reading the book, Having a Mary Spirit by Joanna Weaver. Of COURSE, this past chapter is exactly what I needed to read. I even had a rough night last night with Elijah - so I was up looking for something to read - low and behold, I remember this book and it was just what I needed (thank you, God).
It this particular part, she talks about fear vs. faith. Fear says, "God can't, God won't....so I must". This is kind of how I have been behaving lately - even though I know it's not true. I have been overly concerned and fearly about money. About what we will eat. About what the kids will wear. The Lord has always provided in the past - I know He will this time too - but yet still, that FEAR begins to infect my heart and my thoughts and eventually my behavior.
Then she talks about faith. Faith says, "God can, God wants to, and God will....so I choose to trust Him with my life". I KNOW this to be true, I do. But I'm having a hard time with the "God WANTS to" part. I KNOW He can. I KNOW He has in the past. But there's this part of me that is concerned about Him really wanting to. It's like, He's had to help us out last time, the time before that, the time before that. Some of it is due to our negligent behavior and bad decisions. Yes. But some of it is just due to things beyond our control. The unexpected. The high cost of moving cross country is still coming up in certain bills here and there. ugh....I don't want to discuss it.
So anyways, I'm struggling. I have DECIDED that I am making the decision to believe it ALL. To believe that God CAN. To believe that God *wants* to. And to believe that God will. It's not easy. But I'm laying it down at His feet, 'cause I can't do this anymore. My dh shouldn't have to deal with a frantic, fearful wife as well as the stress of financially supporting our family. He is doing a FABULOUS job. He works *so* hard at this new job (which he loves), he is continuing to work hard towards obtaining his seminary degree. He is a great husband and a loving father. He doesn't need the guilt a nagging, fearful wife brings upon him. I'm so sorry Dean.
So I give up - I give it up to God. Take it, God, 'cause it's too big for me. I can't make it work on paper. I can't find the "quick fix" solution. I'm lost. I need YOU. Thank you for always being there. Thank you for taking me again and again, even when I show my unbelief again and again. I'm so sorry.
Ok, enough. Now I'm off to go through the kid's clothing. I have my piles started: too small, too big, give away and put away in closets/drawers. I'm not even half way done - this is no small task with four little ones. Praise Jesus for His provision in this area as well!! Our children are well dressed and have never NEEDED anything. Thank you to those of you who have allowed God to bless us through YOU. You ROCK!!!
One last verse for me to think about today:
"Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."
Thank you God, for your Word.